Mr Average Christian

Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action.

I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them.

That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.”

In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against theirs. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together – and mouth the words “arm around shoulder, squeeze, release”. The side hug, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms.

It may be that the person you are hugging (the huggee) is large on top (you know what I’m saying here – don’t make me spell it out!) and there is a risk of breasticles squeezing up against the male chest (when not in church, I hug my female friends extra tight!), no problem – just employ the side hug, brought into play for this very situation.

Of course its even more perfect for the always awkward guy to guy hug, do they mean more to you then a hand shake but not quite as much as some full on hugging action? Never fear the patented church side hug is here! Unless you’re from the streets, then you can go for the uber cool handshake and then pull it in for the chest to chest – that’s old school keeping it real!

Though I have to admit, I’m a bit partial to a high five – it has a two pronged attack: 1)It’s an energetic hello and shows genuine joy to the receiver, especially if you mix it up with a run up. 2)Once finished your left with that high five greeting, after glow, it’s magic.

But if in doubt the “church side hug“ or the “Christian half-hug” comes with the liberating tagline: “All the satisfaction, half the lust.”

Good times!