Being a Godly Man: In a relationship

23 Aug

Ok, lets get to the point. There are fewer greater feelings in the Christian life then finding ‘the one’ (is there such a thing? That’s a whole other post!). The spark of chemistry, finding new things out about each other, experiencing life or just vegging out together.

You find yourself smiling uncontrollably and look forward to the next time you will be seeing your sweetheart. And when you do your heart does a back-flip of gymnastic proportions.One minute you’re in your own little world, the next your part of a couple and a whole new world opens up.

But alas, the screen does not fade to black and the immortal words ‘and they lived happily ever after, does not float across the screen. Oh no no no. This is the Christian life. Struggle and warfare are all around, and that includes romantic relationships.

Of course having a Christian partner is a wonderful feeling,  but they should come with a disclaimer. Small print, warning of the dangers of allowing your feelings and desires to run away with you. And as the man in the relationship, the pressure to remain Godly, whilst being close to a member of the opposite sex is a very difficult path to tread.

So here is my attempt at passing on some pointers, (hopefully) backed up with sufficient scriptures. This is not an exhaustive list by any means. And this is not a guide from someone who has it all worked out. In fact this comes from the experience of someone, who can tell you how not to have a Godly relationship and has got it wrong on many occasions!

Take the lead
If you are a Christian man reading this, let me impress upon you, that you are the head of your Christian relationship. Yes you are a team, but the responsibility for having a good healthy God centred relationship must start and end with you. Don’t wait for your partner to take the lead, its on you.

Now I want you to realize the head of every man is Christ and the head of every woman is man (1 Cor 11:3)

I appreciate this is more concerning the institute of marriage but I’m sure the principal can be carried over to pre-marriage.

Include parents in relationship
Perhaps this is just common sense to you. I’m afraid this is something I failed to do in my relationships. I personally think its important at the very least to include your girlfriends parents in your relationship. Sit them down, let them be open about what they expect of you. How you want them involved – this after all is their daughter. It would be a great feeling to know you can discuss your relationship privately with your girlfriends father. Of course that’s presuming you are near your girlfriends parent and they are around you enough to have regular interaction.

Set boundaries, no grey areas – just black and white
One of the most harmful things to your relationship isn’t what you say. Its what you don’t say. Boundaries people… we need boundaries! “We’ll deal with it when it comes up” or “we won’t fall into that trap – we are strong Christians”. Oh my dear friends if you’ve ever thought along those lines, then you are setting yourself up for a fall. Men, you know your thoughts. You know your struggles. And none are bigger than the opposite sex. If you are in a relationship with someone, then you are attracted to them. If you are attracted to them, then its quite natural to want to show that in a physical way.

So the question normally asked is, how far is too far? Its fair enough question asked by those wanting to do the right thing in their relationship. but this  thinking presents a problem. Since scripture doesn’t actually answer that question head on, we run away with the idea that certain things are acceptable, only the end result (sex) is off limits. Everything in between is a grey area  and is down to the discernment of the individual. Well lets consider a couple of passages:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

 

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

We are called to be people of purity, to honour God in the use of our bodies. So, let me ask, at what point do you start having impure thoughts. If your anything like me (I really hope you’re not!) that moment is normally five seconds after being in the presence of your partner! Lets, be honest guys. We struggle with being Godly in these situations, big time. And of course from there stems, temptation to go further. Do you really think you can stop at a certain point? Sooner or later, you will want to go further, and further until you reach the point of no return.

The question isn’t how far can I go outside of sex. The question is how far can I go before my thoughts turn to impure things?

Therefore, boundaries are crucial. Crucial to ensure purity in the relationship. Sit down with your lady and have an honest conversation as to what is acceptable and what isn’t. Would you struggle being alone together? Then don’t be alone. Is cuddling up on the sofa going to be a problem? Then don’t. Is a passionate kiss going to do it? How about touching and stroking? It doesn’t take a genius to work out where you should be watching yourself.

I know it sounds like I just want to be a killjoy, but believe me. One small touch here, a kiss there. It starts small and it takes over in no time at all. Before you know it, your relationship is no longer about glorifying God but about gratifying our own desires and urges.

As CS Lewis once said
“Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues.”

Have devotional times together
If the above is all ‘you can’t’, the stuff you can, and indeed should, will really deepen your relationship. Studying Gods word together and praying together are a must. Yes it can be awkward at the start, but as the man its on you to put this in place. Grasping something new of God and his word together will be a great thing for a relationship. Coming into the presence of God to pray together will be so rewarding. Talk about God, your own Christian life, your struggles, the way God has blessed you.

Your relationship shouldn’t just be about two individuals, having two different experiences of God. It should be all that as well as a partnership seeking to glorify God together. Praying together means you are able to be spiritually naked together. You can admit your heavy burdens together, lay yourselves out bare before God together.

Encourage her in the Lords work.
Whatever situation you are in, your partner is probably involved in some form of service for the Lord in one way or another. When your relationship gets that bit serious, other things sometimes take a backseat. Obviously priorities will change a bit but don’t be the reason your partner takes her focus off of her service to the Lord.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58

How can you encourage her? How can you support her? It may mean sometimes your relationship suffers, but our lives are not about us, and it would be selfish to think somebody else’s was!

Have accountancy partners.
If your serious in your relationship, it would benefit you no end to seek counsel of older Christians. Grab another couple who you know, trust and respect. Demand that they keep an eye on you as a couple. Get them to check up on you both. You will hopefully be able to share with them your relationship problems (after talking it over with your partner first!).

Hebrews 10:24 says,
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11 says to,
“…encourage one another and build each other up…”

Few! Thats a bigger post than I thought it would be. Like I say, I don’t have the answers. Just some thoughts from experience!

46 Responses to “Being a Godly Man: In a relationship”

  1. Jo August 23, 2008 at 7:03 pm #

    Good advise!

  2. jake b. October 28, 2008 at 5:38 am #

    i just want to thank you for this post. i am an eightteen year old who is strugleing to understand how to act in a christian relationship. i havent had any relationships to modle off of so haveing this post was really helpfull. also thank you for posting scripture to back up your thoughts it helps to know were thy come from. thanks again.

  3. jake b. October 31, 2008 at 4:49 am #

    in adition to my comment above i have a question. how does one go about takeing the lead? how do you lead without bossing? i am kind of quite so when it comes to takeing over i dont do it offten. and i am also afraid of failure so it keeps me from takeing the risks that i need to take.

    • David@ gallariniroofing.com September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

      Jake gently lead by example read small amounts of the word with her until she want to read more with you. We men are to love our wives as Jesus Christ loved the church. This is a sacrificial love… And willing to die for her? Always telling Her she is the love of you life. Ask the lord to show you to love her blessings

    • Justin C. May 5, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

      Hi Jake B. saw ur post and remember my past, i had the same issue as well so please know ur not alone. Life is full of decisions and decision making so u have always taken a lead on something not in a dramatic way or a huge response to others but in your own way. its not bad to be a quite person but do know God gave u a voice so leave ur mind open to Him using ur voice. jake if you are afraid to fail and u dont do anything at all then u have already failed. failure doesnt come from not doing something right it comes from NOT doing anything at all. So dont be afraid to take risk, God made and created u to succeed please know u want do everything right but when u do mess up its ok bc u learn from it u change and u do it differently next time. So ask God to help u with that and he will, trust him. and as far as taking lead in a relationship u just have to be humble like when she is down u take the lead and encourage her or when she dont know what she should do about a decision then help her way out her options or grab her hand and pray with her, stuff like that. Taking the lead in a relationship isnt about dominance or being controlling its about being what she needs at the time she needs it. u already do that so trust God and ask him to work threw u in ur relationship and watch him do what u thought u were unable to do. U will succeed God created u to succeed even when u thought u failed. remember u must learn to fail before u can understand how to succeed. u learn u take risk u already take a risk at trusting God so its not that u haven’t. U have been let down in areas of ur life but God always made him self present in those times so u are doing great continue to trust God.

  4. Matthew W. November 10, 2008 at 7:14 am #

    I was glad to find your blog. I’ve always kinda though along the same lines but its hard like you said after that first step. Just like jake said, I don’t want to seem bossy in the relationship. How do I lead in a gentlemanly way? I’m wondering where dancing falls into all this. Is it wise to just say no to that as well… but again… how do I take that leadership role. Thanks again for this blog.

  5. Donna W. May 4, 2009 at 1:43 am #

    i’m a 40 year old mom of 3 boys been married twiced both my husbands cheated on me so that frees me up to marry again. i’ve i been in a relationship with a Godly man for 4 months now and we went to far not once but twice last weekend. we said we were not gonna go there anymore and to slow things down.at this time we are not talking much anymore or seeing each other right now due to this . he is scared of loosing God in all of this. and Not being able to hear his voice. i feel quility what shall i do. i miss talking to him and being around him.i do not want him nor i to fail. my queston is are we gonna be afraid to even touvh each other now or what shall we do now we both feel uncomfortable now. we both want the same things in our relationship and want marriage in the furture but this is a new relationship. it’s like we are afraid to even talk about it now. sience we both want to do this right this time around what should we do now……

  6. Nick M July 8, 2009 at 5:01 pm #

    I have some questions. . . I was raised christians had a good walk with the lord. fell to temptation. walked away from the lord for about 2 years. I have goten my head streightened around now and have been walking with the lord again for around 6 mo. my issue is i have found a really good christian girlfirend. Very strong loves to study we are doing devotions together every day. we are in love. but we struggle with the fact that at one point in my life i when i was not walking with the lord i feel to pornogphy, was violated by my girlfirend at the time and became unpure. Is there a way that or any placed to look in the bible for guidence with a issue like this? Can some one that was not a christian live up to the expectations of a life christian girl? where do i find guidence

    Thanks
    Nick M

    • Justin C. May 5, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

      hi nick, saw this and remembered my past as well. i struggled with the same thing it really effected my life and the relationships in it hurting everyone and leaving me broken and alone. I am healed and delivered from it now but i must say that no matter if you walked away from the lord or not he new what you were gonna do before u done it, he new your struggles before u struggled with them. so God isn’t caught off guard or surprised in anyway so dont be ashamed of what you struggled with because everyone has a struggle. the bible says “what the enemy meant for our harm God will turn it around for his good.” walk in forgiveness and give your past to God and focus on your present. and yes you can exceed beyond a christian girls expectation because you went threw something that God is gonna use to glorify him. And to be honest u dont have to prove anything to anyone you are already proven by God excepted by God so let him heal you from that time in your life He knows your heart so trust him with it and ask him to heal you restore you and show you how to have a righteous relationship that will glorify him with the young lady your with. He has many things for you its not by mistake your circumstances or problems , struggles etc has happened so trust him and let him take control of your past and present because its all covered by His blood and know that your future is in his hands. your doing great keep your focus on him and everything else will come into line with what His word says about u.

  7. adam R. February 11, 2010 at 11:13 pm #

    I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I’m 19 yrs of age and i have been in a relationship now for 5 months. We both are christians but i have strayed away and slowly starting to come back to the Lord. I know its wrong to have sex before marriage and we haven’t yet.. we have the crossed the line a bit though.. i want to tell my girlfriend we should wait til marriage to have sex, but i dnt know if her or i can wait that long.. can u give me some advice on that please.

    • Carrie W. October 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm #

      Adam, if you and your girlfriend cannot wait that long, does that mean you will break up with her to start over with a new woman you can’t wait that long with? You are either committed to purity or not. Give God’s way a chance before you say you “can’t” wait that long.

  8. Melissa February 24, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

    I’m my boy friends first girlfriend. We have been dating for five months. He doesn’t really know how to take lead of the relationship, but then i also do not know how to let him take the lead from me. I need godly advice. Please!

    • Carrie W. October 14, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

      Did you Initiate the relationship in the first place Melissa? Did you pursue him and suggest that you start dating etc.?

  9. Open Hearted February 25, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    I agree with everything you said. I’ve kind of gotten myself into a pickle with this guy. Too much gray areas. We’ve been dating for 2 years and he wont “commit” until he feels God has told him to. Which is understandable, but backwards, seeing as though he is willing to be intimate with me. In my heart, I really want a Godly relationship with him, and I’ve expressed this to him. We will do ok for a while, then back to messing up again. It had not began this way though. We dated for a year before I gave him my virginity, and ever since then, things have not been the same. If I could take it back, I would. I just want Godly relationship.

  10. James July 12, 2010 at 12:19 am #

    I really wish I had found this post before my relationship hit rough waters… Things might have gone better than they have so far.

  11. Jesse December 13, 2010 at 6:42 am #

    Thanks for the advise. I want to glorify God in my relationship with my girlfriend. Also i want to lead us in the right direction and this helps give me some pointers!

  12. Sharon Y. May 13, 2011 at 11:06 pm #

    Although your first point “Take the Lead” is backed by the scripture, it struck me as quite miscegenist. How can you back up the argument that women must be led by men?

    • Carrie W. October 14, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

      Sharon, Colassians 3:18-19 says “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” This means that we must wisely choose Godly men who are submitting to Christ so that in our submission to our husbands we are still submitting unto the Lord. But as you see, it also tells husbands to LOVE their wives and NOT BE HARSH with them. :)

    • Michael Barnard June 3, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

      Now I want you to realizr the head of every man is Christ and the head of everywoman is man
      1 Cor 11:3

  13. Ryan June 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

    Hey! Thanks a lot for posting this! I really appreciated it, man!

  14. ben kiaka July 20, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    lovely piece thank you very much for me and ma baby…

  15. §andile Xhakaza November 3, 2011 at 4:43 pm #

    Very interesting

  16. Maxim Teleguz December 15, 2011 at 4:22 am #

    funny how nobody replied to any questions….

    • Elizabeth March 29, 2012 at 4:04 am #

      Maxim, are you a Christian?

      The person who posted this was sharing their personal experience. Probably the reason that many people did not reply to the questions posted in the comments section, is because they are questions of moral guidance (or perhaps we could say of right, and wrong) which are usually better answered in person, when you know the person and the situation well, and with much prayer and wisdom when possible.

      Great article, thank you to the author!

  17. ABIARA OYEDEJI PROMISE January 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

    I thank God 4 dis site.a place 2 build broken relationship.more all so a place 2 learn more abt relationship.

  18. college student January 20, 2012 at 5:35 am #

    Thank you for this post. I however have one question.. I am a woman in college who loves the Lord. I believe that there are spiritual boundaries in a relationship and feel as if praying together and laying heavy burdens on one another before you are married to that person may connect you in a way that is not healthy or honoring to the Lord. I am confused and would love some direction if I am misguided. Thanks!

  19. Nashipae purity March 27, 2012 at 4:01 am #

    Tats encouraging brethren,personally i have struggle with my rship.but ua words have come hardy.GOD BLESS YOU.

  20. mowyore April 13, 2012 at 11:48 pm #

    I think….oh no,I wanid to say I KNOW dis is the best thing I’ve read today. Take it or leave it.. No wait…Take it!
    It’s d whole truth.
    Kip it up!

  21. oluwaseun April 18, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

    Thanks for this message,its really for me. I read this message when my relationship was almost crumbling but on the application of these principles, its getting better and restored. Please i would like you to place more emphasis on sex because that is what the devil is using to destroy godly relationships and promising destinies. Once again, thank you.

  22. Barry utsey May 10, 2012 at 6:47 pm #

    These are good words of enourangement, thanks…continue your faithfulness to God. I can sense it through your writings!

  23. Perry May 10, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    I am truly in love with my fianc however we have ran into a very serious issue.U I am a graduate student who is still financially dependent on my parents and I am engaged to someone who has two kids and two different dads but has no contact with them what so ever. We have been together for about 2.5 years. We are active in our church and agree on every single aspects when dealing with a family. However she has been through a whole lot in her life and so due to my at time imperfect actions that I have made in regards to immaturity she still didht leave I want to change and continue to change. A big issue is that my family does not approve. Due to my putting my name on one of the child’s birth certificates. An issue came up with child support and my military career getting ruined they were not happy with the decision that was made. So she is very upset that they don’t approve and is also not happy that I am dependent on them and she believes they run my life. However that is not the case. I am a studebt I have a job but I am not capable of providing for them just yet. I have been working to put god first in my life and to stop trying to do things my way but gods way but she is so upset that she has threatened that I must leave them or choose her. But I would never turn my back on my family or her. The mistake I believe I made was that I put myself In a relationship that I am not capable of doing. However I love her and her kids so much I have been trying to change and work to be better but it’s always something.

    • Dan August 19, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      The first thing I have to say is that ultimately a man will leave his family and become one with his wife, but leaving one’s family isn’t equivalent to neglecting one’s family. God still commands us to honor our parents, and this doesn’t change with our marital status.

      “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” – Genesis 2:24
      “Honor your father and mother” – Ephesians 6:2

      My second thought is that relationships are a team effort. You discuss things as a team, in a way which is loving to each other and pleasing to God, but ultimately the scripture commands wives to submit to their husband and it says that this is pleasing to God. With this authority that God has given men, comes responsibility to put their wives above themselves and love them with their whole heart, to be loving and to encourage and to take responsibility for them.

      “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” – 1 Corinthians 11:3
      “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” – Colossians 3:18-19
      “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” – Ephesians 5:25-27

      Something that comes with marriage is that whatever is one of yours is both of yours, and that includes money. Given that you are not able to be financially dependent just yet, if your fiance is able and willing to support you while you finish your studies, then by all means get married while you’re studying. If she is not able or willing, then I recommend you tie the knot at a later date when you are in a position to financially support your new family. Pray and talk about it. Your job as a husband is to put your wife second, only to God.

      Finally, responsibility is something that comes with a relationship and there is no set answer, so the pair of you need to talk and pray and figure things out. Good luck. God bless.

  24. jaiyejeje May 12, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    @ perry – Prayers work wonders, believe me. and i mean specific prayers. and above all, make God the captain of your relationSHIP, and allow Him direct the course.@ oluwaseun – sex is meant for the marriage institute. any sex outside it is spelt ‘S I N’. The unmarried man or lady should fight the devil, the flesh and everything possible not to be entangled in lustful desires that could lead to the actual act. I call them ‘LITTLE FOXES THAT SPOIL THE VINE’ . It is difficult, that’s why i said FIGHT. What are you fighting? the devil and its wiles and gimmicks like, pornography, romantic movies, nudity, the horrible lyrics of music on air ths days, demonic musical videos, evil communication, dangerous friends and their influences etc, etc. @ COLLEGE STUDENT – praying together with someone especially a friend is not laying heavy burdens on that person. Amos 3:3 – ‘shall two walk together except they be in agreement” two of you praying together is an agreement. and o, what a strong force you are building against your common enemy. it has worked for me and my man and it is still working. you aren’t putting the burden on your partner but both of you are putting it on God. and it helps you both to honor God more. remember, one shall chase a thousand and two ten thousand. I’ll stop here for now. To my dear brother who wrote this article; May God bless you and uphold you. i was actually looking for information on Godly Relationship to share with Youth and Singles at there fellowship today and hope you don’t mind if i borrow this. will try to answer some more questions whenever i connect. please feel free to email me.Thanks

  25. uduak June 17, 2012 at 12:44 am #

    very…helpful…..thank u very much

  26. Collins July 24, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    God richly bless you for this post. Very helpful

  27. Jes August 26, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

    I needed some advise, because I feel that I’m having the ungodly relationship. I can feel the love but the center isn’t God. I’m a woman, 21 yo and having trouble on how will I introduce Godly relationship to my partner while we’re far from each other. We’re in a long distance relationship.
    Thank You for the post, the post let me think much and strongly desiring to improve my Christianity.

  28. jay November 16, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Its funny I read this before me and my girlfriend broke up. I actually tried to apply all these to my relationship but it didn’t work because i realise that I didn’t do it out of the love for God but a selfish love for myself. Now that we have broken up. I wish i loved God first before loving others. Now that I know this I am putting god first in everything. and if its his will I pray that he will bless me back my relationship if he doesn’t I pray that he will bless me to be In a new one so that I can learn to love her properly =] All in his timing. thank you for this post. I hope you guys don’t make the same mistake that i’ve made. =[

  29. Lacey January 11, 2013 at 2:47 am #

    I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about 4 months and we are both Christians. We both agree that we will wait for marriage but physically we have crossed the line a little bit. He really struggles with the temptation and he thinks that not speaking to each other as much and hanging out with other friends more will be beneficial. It’s been really hard for me to do that though. Is this an appropriate way to handle the situation?

    • christopher July 12, 2013 at 6:50 am #

      Lacey i used to have this issue with my fiance. Trust ♍ƺ staying apart doesn’t help…..i am sure you miss him when you have these breaks…that’s all it does it just makes you miss each other and when you get back together you just continue from where you stoped. What you should do is take it in prayer to God. There is nothing prayer can’t do. You and your partner should agree in prayer. Boundaries have to be set too. Make sure you set boundaries and prayerfully make sure you don’t cross those boundaries…it’s hard but it would help build a Godly relationship

  30. marty February 26, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    Thank you so much for this post. :) It has greatly helped me.. :) Lord bless.. :)

  31. Garrison April 5, 2013 at 3:49 am #

    So, as a 19yr old and freshman in college, I am pursuing a Godly young woman that attends the same christian school I do. We do bible study’s/devo’s together and talk about every part of life with each other. Because of a past abusive relationship and other experiences she has trouble confiding in me. I find this difficult to cope with because this is all I want from someone of interest. She also will not pray out loud after our devo’s. I’m wondering if these things are because she is hurt from her past and doesn’t want to open up and confide in someone only to possibly be hurt as has happened to her before. I realize that this may come after we finalize a relationship but I am just wondering what you guys think and how I should go about this? Thanks for your help! :)

  32. christopher July 12, 2013 at 6:22 am #

    ..Thanks a lot for that write up……really needed it….God bless you

  33. George July 22, 2013 at 2:07 am #

    Just want to say thanks this has opened my eyes, to the new relationship that I am embarking on. We are both Christians and we both want a Godly relationship. I know now I have to take the rains and show to her that a Godly relationship means more to me then jumping in the sack with her. Having a Godly relationship the rewards will be eternal not just short term by having sex. So my eyes have been opened and I will always have my eye on the prize which is eternal life with Christ in heaven. Thank you for this post and God Bless

  34. Phillipine September 1, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    Hi,my fience is very strict when coming to our relationship.we are both born again christian.since we meet once.we dont visit each other.we call each other less so he say he dnt believe in courtship.so sometime i jst feel like my feeling is oppressed.i really love him but my problem is i started worried and sometime i just think like he dnt care about me.what can i do in such kind of situation to believe in Him.i know he want us to do the right thing but now i am worried about the way things go.pls help me.

  35. justinwshyu October 4, 2013 at 7:10 am #

    Reblogged this on There's Never Enough Time To Do Nothing and commented:
    Good stuff.

  36. faith agbonze May 25, 2014 at 5:42 pm #

    Thank u very much, but I have a question, my boyfriend wants us to breakup because he just received christ.

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